The Life!

Once upon a time there lived a little girl,happily talking to herself,playing with colors,doing things that made her happy.As time flew by,she went to school that supposedly help her pave a way in this world.In order to stay at the top of the race amongst her friends,she was molded into someone else.The essence of “her” started mixing up with what she must become as sought by the world lead to new definitions ,dreams and desires in her life about what she would become in “future”,those places she will travel “alone”,how life would sprout beyond the daily scenes.

And then came the rebel days.Then the remorse days.Then the whining and cribbing days.Then the depressional days.Every single event made a deep impression upon her life,molding and modifying her thoughts about her life, society and family.The thoughts and dreams she had about life remained that way.She became so hard to even think about a possibility of life beyond her routines.The world around her changed,miles ahead but she is stuck,some place reminding herself of what she could have been,what she could have done to change the world.She has grown into a beautiful lady,fulfilling desires of her family,working as society expected,but inside,she is hurt,fearful,bolted up with emotions.She knows this way of life is not what she wanted,but still she is powerless!!

No,I never thought I will be doing what I am doing right now.Not even in my wildest dreams,coz I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life.I am just a follower,following those who walked before me,following some age-old instructions,following into some unknown outcomes of life.Never once did I knew or realize that I can move a muscle to make a change and figure out what I want in my life,with my life.Only today did I realize the true meaning of this quote ““Someone once told me the definition of Hell: The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.” Anonymous .And that is because of I feel a twitch in my heart or a knot in my stomach which constantly reminds me that something is not right,that I am living a life handcrafted for someone else!!

In response to the prompt from #FridayReflections  - “Did you think you'd be doing what you're currently doing in life? Write a personal essay.” 

A status!

I am quite sad.To say the truth,I am very depressed.A lot of expectations and dreams have come crashing down.And I am unable to find a way out of it.I hoped for a better year for us a  family since the new year,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its "N" illness and at other times, it's my work.

I have always been a hard worker in my life.Not a smart one.The hard one.A resilient one.I have toiled enormous amounts of hours reading,understanding subjects and writing exams which I clear.Yes of course with flying colors.But the losses were more.And the margin of loss was so very small.That hurt me the most.I lost an opportunity to study my favorite subject for graduation and ended up taking the most hated one! I lost opportunity to clear the most prestigious exam in the coutry just by 5 marks!! I ended up in a mediocre company with virtually non growing salary but a job nonetheless.I have kind of lost hope and I know I have settled for less,very less than what I dreamed of.Yet,I hoped for a better life once I settled with my family,but somehow the happy formula always eludes us.There is always something to worry about or being sad.Sometimes its "N" illness and at other times, it's my work.

I will eventually find out something but I am worried I am running out of time.I feel I will become obsolete.Though I had no control over the happening of any one of these life problems and sadness that has afflicted me and my life,I still feel helpless.And I am at times mad at myself for not taking action on things which  could have steered my life in a different direction.I simply ignored those decisions which would have actually made a difference.I think being comfortable was the culprit there.It is the most important silent killer of all aspirations and dreams I had in life.

Sigh! A friend of mine once told me I am resilient.And I know its one of the essential characters needed in life.But I think "grit" is more essential.Most needed one,I hope to take charge of my life and toil, even more, harder.Yes,years have flown by.But I still have promises to keep to myself.